I asked my mom if I was a wanted child. I don’t remember what she said.
***
– Breakfast is ready.
– I’m coming mom, I’m writing.
– Breakfast is Ready
– Don’t come up the stairs. I’ll be down in a minute.
– I said live your own life Mom, leave mine alone.
– If you come up those stairs I’m just gonna have to KILL YOU!
***
Mom said last night that one should have children in order to have something to live for… and all sudden I felt like I was pregnant.
That same night I dreamed that I wanted to have a baby.
I wanted to do with her all the things I would have wanted myy mother to do with me.
I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I loved her over and over till she fell asleep.
I wanted to teach her things like, like, oh, I don’t now.
Maybe I just wanted to hang out with her… for a while.
I would tell her that she could be anything she wanted to be in her life.
That she could go places and see things.
I would also tell her that she was beautiful
and that she could touch her crotch whenever she wanted.
And that other people could touch it too.
ONLY WHEN SHE WANTED IT AND IF SHE WANTED IT!
And that it didn’t matter if it was a girl or a boy, that those are just labels,
that big people enforce order to control their psychosis.
And I would go with her to the supermarket to buy all different kinds of
condoms so she could try them all and choose which ones she likes best.
And I would give her dental dams for Christmas presents.
And I would cry a lot with her and laugh.
And I would tell her to get angry and scream whenever she felt she needed to.
And I would tell her STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
Nobody is better than you, don’t ever let anybody humiliate you, never think that somebody is more than you because of the color of your skin.
Stand straight, with pride, with confidence, like you own the world.
Fulfill all your dreams, don’t let anybody or anything stop you, NOT EVEN ME!
and if somebody gets in your way, get them out of your way, get them out of your way! And if that person happens to be me, get ME out of the way, get ME OUT OF THE WAY!
And then she turned towards me and slapped me.
And I said GO AHEAD SLAP ME. Don’t let me embarrass you. HIT ME.
I said HIT ME. Don’t let me get in your way. KICK ME GO AHEAD.
I’m with you. Please be all the things I always wanted to be but couldn’t.
PLEASE SLAP ME. KICK ME, PLEASE BE ALL THE THINGS I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE BUT COULD’T. PLEASE HIT ME. KICK ME, SLAP ME, HIT ME, KICK ME, SLAP ME, HIT ME, KICK ME, SLAP ME.
Then I woke up.
I looked at myself in the mirror and said:
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Just who the fuck do you think you are?
You’re nothing but a token of the 20th century.
An avant-garde alien that hasn’t found a labeled coffin yet.
A mute immigrant suffering from a tongue transplant.
You can’t even write or speak English well anymore.
You can’t even write or speak English well anymore.
What is gonna become of you?
What are you gonna be?
What are you gonna be?
A mute? Is that what you’re gonna be?
MUTE?
I don’t have to be.
I AM.
And with my broken Spanish and English,
I surrender and
I speak up
Because if I don’t
I’ll die.